I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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