While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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