a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
