1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
pray to the hookup gods
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
