i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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