"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
