Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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