Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
