Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
