Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
