Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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