I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
