i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
