Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
where does the pee come out of this thing
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
