Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
