The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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