My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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