HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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