who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
