i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
