shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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