I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
