I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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