At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
