She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
