paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
