I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
