So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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