Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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