He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you traded sex for a burrito?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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