moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i came on her dog
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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