if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
