I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
