saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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