What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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