so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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