isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
