It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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