how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
