I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You are a genius and a whore.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
