Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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