A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
