I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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