And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
