I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're a waste of cheezeits
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
