How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
