Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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