all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
