Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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