I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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