Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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